her name is fergie.
[we play fair, so aaron could have a boy crush if he wanted. but he doesn't, far as i know. alright i think i've revealed enough in this post. happy st. patrick's day.]
oh p.s. i was told that someone who doesn't know me well won't know how to take this, and so will just take it seriously. just in case-- i am often not that serious on this blog!! It's like tongue-in-cheek, if that's the right phrase.
Showing posts with label deep thinking. Show all posts
Showing posts with label deep thinking. Show all posts
3.17.2009
9.18.2008
Memory Lane, a Little Jaunt
August 2004 Blog entry:
Teenage angst at its finest. Funny isn't it? All that wasted worry. I needed to be told, "work in place of worry, faith in place of fear". Further examination reveals that it was written days after getting my wisdom teeth removed, and the drugs had not yet run out. and the pain OH the pain. I want to give birth just to cancel out the memory.
A few months later i told this story:
I remember it vividly, thanks to the power the written word has over my brain.
Heaven help my tired brain.
"My brain hurts. I don't know. I think too much...about everything. Egad. I'm really confused about a lot of stuff...I'm worried about starting and finishing my summer school work in time...I'm nervous about going to college- even though it's a year from now- but as of this second, I'm scared to death of going. Not so much
to college in general, but it's the far distance from home that gets me. I'd give anything for the college I'll likely attend to be located 200 miles from here, rather than 2,000. I adore my family and friends too much to only see them every couple of months. Dah. I've always been the 'mature' one, but I'm feeling quite the opposite these days. I'm assuming that in the upcoming months my feelings towards the future will become more optimistic, but nothing's certain. Wow, I sound so delightful, don't I? Please ignore the brooding vibe of all this because if you were to see me, I'd appear happy as anything. There's fun planned for this week, and I have a lot I'm looking forward to. I get a lot of sleep in the summer. That also makes me happy. I am content. But there's too much on my mind that shouldn't be there. But anyway...I like my life a whole heck of a lot. It's given me a lot of lemons and all that. So. Maybe...I just need to forget about the petty stuff mentioned above that's bogging me down. It's ridiculously un-life-altering. Actually, I suppose college is life-altering. But thinking about it isn't. Therefore, I'll try not to. It'll happen no matter what. I know I'm not the only one who feels this way though. Comforting? I guess. This is the worst entry I've ever posted. [Believe me, there's plenty that went un-posted.] It doesn't even make sense. Once again, I don't know.
Anyway. I'm done now, this has gone on long enough for tonight. I don't feel much better, typing all that. Maybe it's because I'm sleepy. My eyelids weigh a thousand pounds this evening. Or morning. Whichever 2 a.m. qualifies as. Within 173 seconds, I should be in bed. Me gusta."
Teenage angst at its finest. Funny isn't it? All that wasted worry. I needed to be told, "work in place of worry, faith in place of fear". Further examination reveals that it was written days after getting my wisdom teeth removed, and the drugs had not yet run out. and the pain OH the pain. I want to give birth just to cancel out the memory.
A few months later i told this story:
"Yesterday me and george occupied ourselves by jumping out of his 2nd-floor
bedroom window onto the trampoline. That was my rush for the day. Our neighbors, who don't speak much English, kept yelling and pointing at us, which was kind of bad since we didn't need our mom coming out and seeing what we were doing quite yet. Later on, we were sitting around the kitchen table, eating brownies, when suddenly through the window we see a body fall from the sky and land with a thud on the trampoline. It was Matt, who we thought was right in the next room, but had snuck upstairs and jumped out the window. It was actually the most hysterical thing ever, but...you had to be there.
It was as if he fell from heaven."
I remember it vividly, thanks to the power the written word has over my brain.
Heaven help my tired brain.
4.16.2008
The Legitimacy of Titles
Classes have ended and I'm going to blog.
At the grand old age of 53, my mom began pursuing a path for which she had planted the seeds long ago. 53 and she is blooming into a talented, locally successful writer. I admire and am in perpetual awe of her energy, her dedication, her zest for life. I can only hope that in 32 years I love learning and pursuing new adventures as much as she does.
An interesting thing was, one snowy day over Christmas break we were sitting in the family room, sharing the big leather chair by the fireplace. She was reading aloud to me from her writing journal, sharing her ideas for future stories and articles. I thought they all sounded fantastic- "you're a writer, mum!" She smiled, said hesitatingly, "oh no, not yet." She was reluctant to bestow upon herself the title of "writer" until she had been published in a noteworthy source, until she had received recognition. This made me start to think. At what point can one call themself something? When is it legitimate to print a title under one's name on a business card?
I taught piano lessons all through high school, mostly to little children around the neighborhood. I started off in 9th grade charging $5/lesson, gradually increasing the price until it hit $10 my senior year. Am I a "piano teacher"? I received no formal instruction, notwithstanding the years of private lessons which I ended by middle school. I do not know if I am qualified. I do not know if my little business of a
neighborhood piano studio was even legal. All I know is I got paid to sit by my piano bench for several hours per week, gently correcting the little hands that painstakingly searched for the right notes. I witnessed a lot of discouragement during those years. But there were triumphs as well- when those kids showed up for lessons and proudly played through the songs they worked so hard on, I felt like a piano teacher. Can I be one without a music PhD and years of theory classes? As an adult, would I be taken seriously?
I love taking pictures. I love cameras. I love lenses. I love making people look good in pictures. I love noticing details. When I modeled as a kid, I was often more intrigued by what the photographers were doing than the clothes I had to pose in. And
I knew that I would rather be behind the camera than in front of it. So where does that leave me? Everything I know about 'taking pictures' is self-taught, or from tips from scouring photography books in Barnes & Noble. But I do not feel quite brave enough to say, "I am a photographer". What I do is taking pictures, not photography. I would not feel comfortable charging people for a portrait session even when they love the results. There's no training or classes to speak of, and fancy equipment? I manage without. For all intents & purposes, I am a picture-taker. Not that other word...yet.
This can be applied to many other skills and talents and hobbies- like, when does a person who likes to draw become An Artist? Perhaps it's when they first get paid. Or maybe it's just when they feel like they're good enough.
At the grand old age of 53, my mom began pursuing a path for which she had planted the seeds long ago. 53 and she is blooming into a talented, locally successful writer. I admire and am in perpetual awe of her energy, her dedication, her zest for life. I can only hope that in 32 years I love learning and pursuing new adventures as much as she does.
An interesting thing was, one snowy day over Christmas break we were sitting in the family room, sharing the big leather chair by the fireplace. She was reading aloud to me from her writing journal, sharing her ideas for future stories and articles. I thought they all sounded fantastic- "you're a writer, mum!" She smiled, said hesitatingly, "oh no, not yet." She was reluctant to bestow upon herself the title of "writer" until she had been published in a noteworthy source, until she had received recognition. This made me start to think. At what point can one call themself something? When is it legitimate to print a title under one's name on a business card?
I taught piano lessons all through high school, mostly to little children around the neighborhood. I started off in 9th grade charging $5/lesson, gradually increasing the price until it hit $10 my senior year. Am I a "piano teacher"? I received no formal instruction, notwithstanding the years of private lessons which I ended by middle school. I do not know if I am qualified. I do not know if my little business of a
neighborhood piano studio was even legal. All I know is I got paid to sit by my piano bench for several hours per week, gently correcting the little hands that painstakingly searched for the right notes. I witnessed a lot of discouragement during those years. But there were triumphs as well- when those kids showed up for lessons and proudly played through the songs they worked so hard on, I felt like a piano teacher. Can I be one without a music PhD and years of theory classes? As an adult, would I be taken seriously?I love taking pictures. I love cameras. I love lenses. I love making people look good in pictures. I love noticing details. When I modeled as a kid, I was often more intrigued by what the photographers were doing than the clothes I had to pose in. And
I knew that I would rather be behind the camera than in front of it. So where does that leave me? Everything I know about 'taking pictures' is self-taught, or from tips from scouring photography books in Barnes & Noble. But I do not feel quite brave enough to say, "I am a photographer". What I do is taking pictures, not photography. I would not feel comfortable charging people for a portrait session even when they love the results. There's no training or classes to speak of, and fancy equipment? I manage without. For all intents & purposes, I am a picture-taker. Not that other word...yet.This can be applied to many other skills and talents and hobbies- like, when does a person who likes to draw become An Artist? Perhaps it's when they first get paid. Or maybe it's just when they feel like they're good enough.
2.12.2008
An Edit
A few days ago, I began typing a blog entitled, The Future Freaks Me Out. That is the title of a song I like to rock out to. It is also descriptive of my life currently. I started writing about the turmoil in my mind because of the mixed messages I am told by various sources regarding women and careers. Sources such as the Church, "the world", and people who care about where my life heads. I'm working on sorting it out, as will soon be apparent.
On one hand, you have those YW lessons (which are severely in need of revision anyhow) that teach how Women are Mothers. Full stop. Don't put motherhood above a career. To do otherwise is to kick your divine calling in the face, etcetera. (See President Beck's talk on "Mothers Who Know"....
On one hand, you have those YW lessons (which are severely in need of revision anyhow) that teach how Women are Mothers. Full stop. Don't put motherhood above a career. To do otherwise is to kick your divine calling in the face, etcetera. (See President Beck's talk on "Mothers Who Know"....
“Home is where women have the most power and influence; therefore, Latter-day Saint women should be the best homemakers in the world.”)
!!!?!
And THEN- you have the world saying that women are equal and have the same right as men do to pursue a PhD, MD, or whatever your heart desires. Stay-at-home-moms are unambitious, bored, unfulfilled. Also etcetera.
Finally- you have the people in my life who encourage me to be ambitious and question how I will earn an income someday, and I feel if I were to say, "I just want to be a mom" it would be a disappointment, and if I were to say, "I've decided to go to med school", it would be followed with, "but when will you have children?"
It's just complicated, is all. Hypothetically, If I were to have children after attending medical school (& want to stay home with them rather than work), what would have been the purpose of the time, money, stress, and energy spent in school if I never spend much time working as a doctor? Education sure is important, but I feel as if it's a bad idea to attend school for nearly a decade just for the sake of knowledge. There's other means.
Thing is, 1.) I really think I would like to be a stay-at-home mother (SAHM!) who loves what she does and receives enough joy and fulfillment from staying at home to feel satisfied. 2.) However, I don't want to be a woman who goes through her entire life without having worked full time at a real job at least for a few years before kids and after kids. ('real job' meaning one that requires a degree, something ‘career’-ish?). The question is, where is the line? How much of each situation should I aim for? What if I never figure out who/what I should be? What if it becomes too late? What if I regret not aiming higher...
Point is, trying to discuss this leads me in circles. I didn't say what I was going to say last week because I didn't want to blog a book. But this is at least a mere sampling of things I get confused about.
------------------------------------------------------------
In other news, the semester is halfway over and it has been the 2nd simplest of my entire college career, 2nd only to my first semester as a freshman. Simple, not easy- there's a difference. It's been refreshing not to stress and be all, "I NEED AN A" like I used to. How annoying was that.
I still think A's are a nice little present. But not the be-all, end-all thank heaven
It's time to go stir up some spiderman mac & cheese. Since I was little, I've been convinced cartoon character shapes taste better. Did you know kraft mac & cheese was the first thing I ever learned to cook using the stove? I was so proud too. I mean, learning about toast was cool because it came out looking different than when I put it in- but anyone could push the toaster lever. Precocious George made toast at age 3. The mac & cheese was real cooking, as far as I was concerned. And it still is!
And THEN- you have the world saying that women are equal and have the same right as men do to pursue a PhD, MD, or whatever your heart desires. Stay-at-home-moms are unambitious, bored, unfulfilled. Also etcetera.
Finally- you have the people in my life who encourage me to be ambitious and question how I will earn an income someday, and I feel if I were to say, "I just want to be a mom" it would be a disappointment, and if I were to say, "I've decided to go to med school", it would be followed with, "but when will you have children?"
It's just complicated, is all. Hypothetically, If I were to have children after attending medical school (& want to stay home with them rather than work), what would have been the purpose of the time, money, stress, and energy spent in school if I never spend much time working as a doctor? Education sure is important, but I feel as if it's a bad idea to attend school for nearly a decade just for the sake of knowledge. There's other means.
Thing is, 1.) I really think I would like to be a stay-at-home mother (SAHM!) who loves what she does and receives enough joy and fulfillment from staying at home to feel satisfied. 2.) However, I don't want to be a woman who goes through her entire life without having worked full time at a real job at least for a few years before kids and after kids. ('real job' meaning one that requires a degree, something ‘career’-ish?). The question is, where is the line? How much of each situation should I aim for? What if I never figure out who/what I should be? What if it becomes too late? What if I regret not aiming higher...
Point is, trying to discuss this leads me in circles. I didn't say what I was going to say last week because I didn't want to blog a book. But this is at least a mere sampling of things I get confused about.
------------------------------------------------------------
In other news, the semester is halfway over and it has been the 2nd simplest of my entire college career, 2nd only to my first semester as a freshman. Simple, not easy- there's a difference. It's been refreshing not to stress and be all, "I NEED AN A" like I used to. How annoying was that.
I still think A's are a nice little present. But not the be-all, end-all thank heaven
It's time to go stir up some spiderman mac & cheese. Since I was little, I've been convinced cartoon character shapes taste better. Did you know kraft mac & cheese was the first thing I ever learned to cook using the stove? I was so proud too. I mean, learning about toast was cool because it came out looking different than when I put it in- but anyone could push the toaster lever. Precocious George made toast at age 3. The mac & cheese was real cooking, as far as I was concerned. And it still is!
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