10.05.2013

My little bag of sugar

Our unborn child weighs about 5 pounds, and I can feel each one of them. His movements are so strong lately- not forceful, but weighty. I think this experience of feeling him writhe inside of me will be the main thing I miss about pregnancy...the rolls and quivers and hiccups are comforting, ethereal, and breathtaking, yet still at times uncomfortable & surprising, when it seems he's trying to remind me that he's there. (but who is forgetting?)



What a change it will be to have him on the outside, in a world where he'll no longer be safely tucked inside my body- the only home he'll have known. I can't imagine the harshness of the contrast between the inside and the outside; experiencing hunger and cold; bright lights and unmuffled sounds for the first time. I hope I have the ability to soften that transitional state. I'm preparing myself to go into a sort of winter hibernation, where I'll have no plans other than hazily drifting from one period of wakefulness to the next as I learn how to take care of this new little boy. It will be a transition for both of us- all of us. I waver between feeling terrified and questioning, and thrilled and confident and capable. The fear that I'm fooling myself if I start feeling too confident or capable. It seems that babies are something you shouldn't assume you know anything about until you have one of your own. And so I wait- wondering about the unknown and ready to see for myself- and mostly- ready for change. (I only hope the wait isn't too long; at 35 weeks I'm already feeling like an impatient child at Christmastime; filled with anticipation yet it's only December 1st...)