10.05.2013

My little bag of sugar

Our unborn child weighs about 5 pounds, and I can feel each one of them. His movements are so strong lately- not forceful, but weighty. I think this experience of feeling him writhe inside of me will be the main thing I miss about pregnancy...the rolls and quivers and hiccups are comforting, ethereal, and breathtaking, yet still at times uncomfortable & surprising, when it seems he's trying to remind me that he's there. (but who is forgetting?)



What a change it will be to have him on the outside, in a world where he'll no longer be safely tucked inside my body- the only home he'll have known. I can't imagine the harshness of the contrast between the inside and the outside; experiencing hunger and cold; bright lights and unmuffled sounds for the first time. I hope I have the ability to soften that transitional state. I'm preparing myself to go into a sort of winter hibernation, where I'll have no plans other than hazily drifting from one period of wakefulness to the next as I learn how to take care of this new little boy. It will be a transition for both of us- all of us. I waver between feeling terrified and questioning, and thrilled and confident and capable. The fear that I'm fooling myself if I start feeling too confident or capable. It seems that babies are something you shouldn't assume you know anything about until you have one of your own. And so I wait- wondering about the unknown and ready to see for myself- and mostly- ready for change. (I only hope the wait isn't too long; at 35 weeks I'm already feeling like an impatient child at Christmastime; filled with anticipation yet it's only December 1st...)

 








     

2 comments:

  1. this is tripping me out. love you!

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  2. You are so right! It's hard to really know what it's like until you go through it! Plus, even if you have read every book about having and raising a baby, every baby is different. The saying should really be "having a baby is like a box of chocolates. you never know what you're gonna get" haha But if it helps, I have confidence in you! ;) You will be a great mom. The hibernating sounds so wonderful! That's when the first baby is so great...you really have nothing else to do but be with the baby. And there's TWO of you to help with everything. Love ya!

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