My little bag of sugar

Our baby on the inside weighs about 5 pounds, and I can feel each one of them. His movements are so strong lately- not forceful, but weighty. I think this experience of feeling him writhe inside my belly will be the main thing I miss about pregnancy...the rolls and quivers and hiccups are comforting, ethereal, and breathtaking. I think he wants to remind me that he's in there. (not that I’d forget! No chance of that!)


^ this video is way too long. Don’t watch it all cause after a minute you’ll feel creepy. But someday I know I’ll miss being pregnant and will watch this sentimentally. 

Such a change it will be to have him on the outside, in a world where he'll no longer be safely tucked inside my body- the only home he'll have known. I can't imagine the harshness of the contrast between the inside and the outside; experiencing hunger and cold; bright lights and unmuffled sounds for the first time. I want to soften that transition for him. I'm preparing myself to go into a sort of winter hibernation, where I'll have no plans other than hazily drifting from one period of wakefulness to the next as I learn how to take care of my new tiny boy. It will be a transition for both of us- all of us. I waver between feeling terrified and questioning, and thrilled and confident and capable. The fear that I'm fooling myself if I start feeling too confident or capable. It seems that babies are something you shouldn't assume you know anything about until you have one of your own. And so I wait- wondering about the unknown and ready to see for myself- and mostly- ready for change.